“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
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Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Not all heroes wear capes….
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.