KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.