My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
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this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Cucumbers Anonymous
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home