grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
You Might Also Like
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
They did not miss in the small print
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I already tried new things thanks.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.