Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
You Might Also Like
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.