I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never