[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
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Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Made something I’m not proud of
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine