Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?