[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
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My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I鈥檓 going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
My belly don鈥檛 jiggle jiggle, it folds.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 馃帀
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Panda express…馃惗馃惥馃惣馃挩馃槄
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy