My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
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My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Rt to bother an English speaker
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”