I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
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Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Has there ever been a more American story?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.