I’m not wrong
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Why is everyone getting married at me
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.