If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
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Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
the three branches of government
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
iPhone X
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.