New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
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If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.