Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
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“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Still cracks me up
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth