Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
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It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.