Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
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Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Sharon I have some bad news
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM