The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
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Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”