R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?