Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
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4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.