Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?