If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
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Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
If a snake ate a cake
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
#winning
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.