You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’