According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”