Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
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The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.