Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
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I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.