Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
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I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.