Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
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[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
When you “pspspsp” too hard
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
😂 amazing answer
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’