I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
This guy gets it.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?