“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
You Might Also Like
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?