*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
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I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick