Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.