Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
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Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
and now we wait