I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
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me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.