Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
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I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?