If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!