Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
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me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.