I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
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My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
normalize having existential bread
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?