[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
new wife guy just dropped
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.