romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
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I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees