Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.