Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
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listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something