Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
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This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
they really do be looking like this
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care