Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
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[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.