I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
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Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Hot Hot Hot
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]