My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?