Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
getting corrected
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Labreador
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Pretty much! 😂👀
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
I enjoy a good short stor
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
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If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?