The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
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Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
seems fine
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Ok who’s got my black socks?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
bugs when you lift up a rock
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!