Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s