To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
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little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Plant care tips
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.